The Forbidden Words
by McDiggin'It
Summary: Morgana's thoughts on her odd, but steamy not-really-a-relationship with Merlin, and in which she accidentally speaks the forbidden words. Angsty, smut-tastic Mergana!


Title: The Forbidden Words

Summary: Morgana's thoughts on her odd, but steamy not-really-a-relationship with Merlin, and in which she accidentally speaks the forbidden words. Smut-tastic Mergana fluff!

Author's Note: I love this pairing! And I've been writing 4 different fics for the past couple of days. This is one of them, then there's another new Morgana 2-shot, 'The Wrong Emotion', and the final chapter of a Naruto fic I wrote forever ago. Anyway, this is basically just fluff with no real plot whatsoever. Mergana fluff, which is the best kind of fluff, so don't sue me for sucking at writing. I'm kinda rusty right now. R&R!

-McDiggin'It 

...

I can't remember exactly why it happened. One moment he's standing on the other side of my door with a fresh draught of 'dream chasers' from Gaius, and the next, he was spilling his seed into my womb as I moaned his name into his shoulder.

It's been happening almost every night since. He would knock on my door. Three knocks that could've otherwise been his voice because I always knew which knocks were his.

I never thought it would amount to anything. It couldn't, _even_ if I wanted it to. I'm the King's Ward, and he's... Merlin. Arthur's clumsy, yet brave and adorable manservant.

I hadn't thought much of him at first. He was a little odd, a little idiotic, and a little impulsive, but then I started noticing that he's definitely a lot braver than most men. I don't know what it was about him that set him apart from every other man who tried to catch my attention.

Perhaps it was his willingness to lose his head to save Gwen. Perhaps it's the adorable way he mumbles like an idiot he's not when he's nervous. Perhaps it's the way he looks at me like I was the first woman he'd ever laid eyes on. Perhaps it's the way he says my name. Perhaps it's his mesmerizing blue eyes, or his almost feminine lips, or his high cheekbones, or his defined jaw. Or perhaps, _I_ was the one who was losing my mind.

Our little midnight rendezvous continued secretly for a little over a year, and I slowly but surely began to realize that I was quite possibly falling in love with Merlin.

I can't recall when exactly it happened. Maybe it was when he had showed up to my room with a look of pure pain in his eyes. He never told me what was wrong, but I felt my heart break for him. Maybe it was the night he indirectly told me he believed me about having magic. Maybe it was when we didn't hump like rabbits but instead held each other through the night after I had returned (or rather, been taken away) from the Druids. I don't know. There were too many times when I could've fallen in love with him, so I choose to believe that it was the moment he had told me that I can trust him.

I trust him more than anyone. If I didn't, I never would've continued this... Whatever it is we're doing.

We never really talk, whether it's because we don't have much to say, although I know that's a lie. Too many times I've wanted to say something to him other than his name, to tell him about my growing nightmares and emotions, to pour my heart and soul out to him, but I keep my mouth shut.

There's an unspoken agreement between us. We do not talk about our problems or our separate lives. We just shag each other's brains out in my chambers, or snog the everloving concentration out of each other in the alcoves, or inside random storage rooms, wine cellars, dark corners, and whatnot.

And I'm fine with that, except when I'm not. Sometimes, when he's resting his sweaty forehead below my breasts, a thousand words die on my lips. A million thoughts invade my mind when he's pulling me to rest my head above his steady beating heart. I want to tell him what I feel, but I cannot. For the moment I do, I fear this... thing, will end. And I'm not sure I can take that.

So I press my lips together while the beats of his heart lulls me to sleep. I'm always the one who wakes up first in the mornings while he snores softly away. I wake him gently, and let's him know that Gwen will soon arrive, and he makes a hasty scramble for his clothes before thanking me, bidding me a good day and leaving.

It's strange, this little dance. Acting as if I know very little about him when we're in public, when in fact, I know _everything_ about him. I notice everything he does. The way he wrinkles his nose when he's angry, the way he squints when he's suspicious, the way he purses his lips when he finds something funny, and the way he avoids looking into my eyes when he's nervous. He does that a lot.

And then there are his more... private characteristics. The way he lets out a low groan when I brush my fingers gently against his hardness. The way he playfully brushes his nose against mine when he's about to enter me. The way he smiles crookedly as he runs his scorching hands down my naked body. The way he rests his forehead against mine when he's pumping himself inside me over and over again. The way his eyes change from a bold blue to a dark almost grey color when we're coming undone together. The way he immediately pulls me to his side when we're done. The way he snores softly when he sleeps.

And his body. I know every muscle, every ridge, every scar, every birthmark, and every vein on his body. He has a naturally pale complexion, but I can't seem to keep my eyes or hands off his body when we're alone in the safety of my chambers. If there were a class on Merlin's body, I'd surely be the top of that class. And I can't forget his rather impressive manhood. I know that part of his anatomy all too well. A little _too_ well sometimes.

And isn't that just lovely? I sound like some Merlin-crazed bimbo with an IQ of 5. I sigh heavily as I watch him train with Arthur and the other nights from my window. My chest aches at the sight of him. To know that I'll see him tonight again and will still not be able to say anything to him. So close, yet so far.

...

As I wait for him, I ponder on what I can do differently for him tonight. He's usually the one who comes up with different ideas, taking me against the wall, against the door, on the table, the chair, the floor, by the window, bent over, from behind, and even standing up. Tonight, I wanted to be the one to come up with an idea.

I bite my lip as I think of a conversation I had overheard one of the kitchen servants having amongst themselves a couple of days ago. Something about taking a mans cock into your mouth and sucking him off. They said that men like that. It sounded a little brutish, but I wanted to try it with Merlin.

I'm nervous beyond measure when Merlin finally knocks thrice on my door. I take a deep breath and approach the door, smoothing down my sleeping gown. I don't know why I'm so nervous tonight, but I am. I open the door, smiling up at the young man who I've come to love so deeply without condition. In my eyes, he's the most attractive man in all the five kingdoms.

My lust for him spreads like wildfire through my body as he walks into my chambers and locks the door behind him. And then, his lips are on mine and he's backing me towards the bed. The back of my knees hit the bed and I fall back, taking him with me.

I'm thankful he's not extremely heavy for he would've knocked the air out of me with that fall. My thoughts disappear almost instantly as our clothes begin to come off and we're rubbing against each other in the most intimate areas. I moan and steel myself for what I'm about to do as I push him off me and proceed to straddle his hips. He raises a questioning brow at me and grins his adorable boyish grin.

Slowly, very slowly, I descend down his body, teasing him. He groans, moans, and sighs, then yelps a little when my hot mouth reaches his erection.

I don't take too long with the teasing, a few minutes later, taking him into my mouth and sucking. I begin to worry he's not really enjoying this, but then his fingers are in my hair as he thrusts shallowly into my mouth. He's not the only one who's affected by my ministrations. Every time he moans, a streak of hot lust shoots down my spine and straight between my thighs, and I'm pretty sure my underwear is soaked with my arousal. There's a gasp as I bob my head up and down on his cock, swirling my tongue around the head a few times before trying to take him fully in my mouth.

All too soon, he's pulling me away and shaking his head. I look down, embarrassed that maybe he didn't like it at all, but he looks at me with soft eyes, glazed over with lust. "I don't want to let go too soon and that wonderful mouth of yours was going to be the end of me." He chuckles sheepishly.

I instantly smile at his adorable blushing face and nod as he begins to pull me up until he's kissing me roughly like a starved animal. I love this about him. The way he acts as if he's completely oblivious to such a thing as sex and passion, when indeed, he's burning with lust for me on the inside.

He suddenly flips us over and I squeal in delight as his fingers touch me in my most intimate area. He smiles at me, while he rubs my sensitive nub, and I nearly lose it. I touch his face, and pull his head down so our foreheads are nearly touching. "I need you." I whisper so softly, even _I_ can't tell if I heard it.

Merlin seems to get the point and removes his fingers before slowly rubbing the head of his engorged, pulsing member over my center, spreading my wetness around before aligning himself at my entrance. He pulls away slowly and looks at me with a look I desperately wanted to be love. But I don't get my hopes up. I just want him to be one with me tonight, and hold me, and love me with his body.

He rubs his nose against mine before slowly entering me, a moan escapes my lips at the sensation and fullness. He moves gently, his eyes boring into mine as he pushes in slowly, then pulls out halfway.

Soon enough, we're moving at a slow, but steady pace, and he's whispering my name into my ear, over and over again. I wish he would say something other than my name, but for now, I'm content with hearing my name from his lips.

I'm so close, and I know he is too, so I whisper his name back, and he knows, increasing the movement of his hips. I gasp when he hits something inside me that I know will snap in a few more flexes of his hips. Digging my fingers into the ridge in his back, I wrap my legs around his body, my heels locking over his buttocks as he moves faster, deeper, harder until we're both falling over the edge. He moans my name into my ear, and in that moment, as I'm engulfed in the blinding white heat of ecstasy, I couldn't stop myself from gasping out the words I've been holding inside for what felt like forever.

"I love you."

His body convulses above me and then his back goes rigid. Whether it's from the amazing sensations I was feeling too, or from the fact that I had just spoken the forbidden words, I don't know, but for a moment, I fear that he was going to jump out of my bed and make a run for the door.

But he rests his forehead against my neck as he breathes heavily. My heart rate comes down from its high, and I lay motionless for a long time, waiting for him to acknowledge that he had heard what I had said.

I feel tears stung in my eyes when he doesn't say anything as he slips out of me and rolls onto his back. I lay still, staring at the ceiling as I try to get my breathing under control. Maybe he hadn't heard me, maybe he was too consumed in his climax.

We don't speak, but he pulls me into his arms like every other night before.

After what felt like hours, he speaks softly, and it's not exactly the words I was waiting for. "I have to be in Arthur's chambers in a few hours." He runs his fingers through my hair and pulls me closer. "Get some sleep."

I close my eyes if only to keep the tears from falling. I did not intend to say the three words that I told myself I would never say to him, but I did, and I'm beyond disappointed that my mouth chose such a time to say it. I could've told him now as we lay quietly in each other's arms. But now I'll never know if he had heard me, or if he's just completely ignoring what I said because he doesn't feel the same way.

...

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I wake up, he's already gone, not a single trace of him anywhere as if he had never been there, save for his faint scent lingering in my pillows and sheets. I lay still for a long moment, trying to hold together what's left of my dignity. It hurts like hell.

I close my eyes again, falling back into a half asleep state when I hear 3 knocks on the door. I practically fly out of bed, still naked as I stare at the door. Gwen comes in, smiling brightly like she does every morning.

"Good morning, Milady." She greets. At the look of what I'm sure is disappointment on my face, she frowns and crosses the room hurriedly. "Is everything okay, Milady?" Her eyes scan the room and I look to the floor.

I don't mind that I'm naked in front of Gwen. She's seen me naked plenty of times when I'm about to bathe or change. I sniffle as I get back into bed and bury myself in the scent that Merlin had left behind. "I'm fine, Gwen." I mumble softly.

"Do you not feel well? Should I call on Gaius?"

"No." I tell her as I close my eyes again.

"Well, what do we tell the King's court? You have to be present at the meeting, Milady."

I open my eyes again and let out a heavy sigh, "I really don't want to go, Gwen." I groan.

Gwen gives me a sad look and approaches my bed to feel my forehead. "You don't have a fever, so that's good." She says and takes a step back, "Perhaps..." She trails off and grabs something from the little nightstand by my bed and looks at it. "What's this letter?"

I sit up, staring at the folded parchment in Gwen's hands. I hadn't seen that there. Gwen hands it to me, "Maybe a nice hot bath will make you feel better." She says and leaves to draw my bath. I stare at the parchment for a long moment, biting my lip as my eyes rake over the indentation of words on the back of it.

Steeling myself, I unfold the letter and begin to read. Almost immediately, tears fill my eyes.

 _Dearest Morgana,_

 _I had not the heart to wake you up this morning. You looked too beautiful and peaceful. I have to get ready to probably muck out Arthur's stables, and I wanted you to know that I had the most amazing time last night with you. As I do every time we're together. But I hope you have a wonderful day today._

 _-Merlin_

I smile sadly. I had expected more. As I'm about to fold the letter back up, something at the bottom of the parchment catches my eye and I look closely at it.

A gasp leaves my lips as the waterworks hit me in full force.

 _P.S. I love you too. I'll see you tonight, Milady._

I cry and laugh at the same time, bouncing up and down on my bed as I hug Merlin's letter to my chest.

Gwen comes in, her eyes going wide while her eyebrows pull together in confusion. "Is everything alright, Milady?" She asks warily.

I laugh at that because everything is definitely _all_ right. Squealing uncharacteristically and probably unladylike (I don't care) I nod enthusiastically, hopping off my bed. "Everything is perfect, Gwen."

With that, I skip off nakedly in the direction of the bath room.

"I'll take that as you're ready for the day?" Gwen calls through the doorway.

I call back my happy confirmation as I practically jump inside my bath.

"And you're sure you're okay, right?" Gwen asks again.

 _He loves me_. I think joyfully to myself. "Yes, I'm definitely okay."

...

The End!

...

Author's Note: So! What do ya think? Good? Bad? Quit writing Mergana? Let me know!

-McDiggin'It


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